Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

Funny Jokes

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Funny Stories

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Mother’s Day Quotes

Mother’s Day Quotes

Every time I find a girl who can cook like my mother–she looks like my father.
– Tony Randall

The child had his mother’s eyes, his mother’s nose, and his mother’s mouth. Which leaves his mother with a pretty blank expression.
– Robert Benchley

Mother’s Day Quotes

Mothers mold the children’s minds. Some of you have done well. There are a lot of moldy-minded kids around.
– Norm Crosby

Mother Quotes

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
– Erma Bombeck

Mother’s Day Jokes

You Know You Have Become a Mother When…

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth even though your children are at school!

You start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Sarah Marshall Quotes

Sarah Marshall Quotes

Some funny quotes from Sarah Marshall ( Sally Marshall ) in the Chicago Tribune.

Maybe I should start a support group. After all, the Sarah Marshalls of the world have rights too. Not all of us suck.
– Sarah Marshall

And someone should have considered the feelings of those Sarah Marshalls who really do look fat in their jeans
– Sarah Marshall

I’ve always wanted my name in lights—even if it’s the name I’m only called by credit card customer-service reps.
– Sarah Marshall

… the thrill of seeing my name in lights is gone. Now, everywhere I go, I see signs that say things like “You suck Sarah Marshall,” “I’m so over you Sarah Marshall,” “You do look fat in those jeans Sarah Marshall” and

“My mom always hated you Sarah Marshall.”
– Sarah Marshall

Sally Marshall ( Sarah Marshall ) is a freelance writer living in Manhattan.

Cats

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.                       
 

Kyoya, 9 Advice from Kids 

Food

Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian;wine and tarragon make it
French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make
it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good.
       

Alice May Brock

The Cabbage and The Rose

The question of common sense is “what is it good for?” A question which would abolish the rose and be answered triumphantly by the cabbage.
– James Russell Lowell

Noah’s Ark

Noah’s Ark Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah’s Ark…
ONE: Don’t miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you’re 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you’re stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.