Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

Funny Jokes

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Funny Stories

Tyler Hurst Quotes

Tyler Hurst Quotes

“If you think it’s okay to take time off promoting your business/product, you are dead wrong, but I’d like to thank you.You’ve made it easier for the rest of us to pass you by.”

– Tyler Hurst @tdhurst in Does your industry have an off season?

Mother’s Day Quotes

Mother’s Day Quotes

Every time I find a girl who can cook like my mother–she looks like my father.
– Tony Randall

The child had his mother’s eyes, his mother’s nose, and his mother’s mouth. Which leaves his mother with a pretty blank expression.
– Robert Benchley

Mother’s Day Quotes

Mothers mold the children’s minds. Some of you have done well. There are a lot of moldy-minded kids around.
– Norm Crosby

Mother Quotes

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
– Erma Bombeck

Mother’s Day Jokes

You Know You Have Become a Mother When…

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth even though your children are at school!

You start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Irish Quotes and St. Patrick’s Day Quotes

Irish Quotes

St. Patrick’s Day Quotes

Saint Patrick was a gentleman...Who through strategy and stealth...
Drove all the snakes from Ireland...Here's a drinkee to his health! 
But not too many drinkees...Lest we lose ourselves and then...
Forget the good Saint Patrick...And see them snakes again! 
- Unknown 

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

– Irish Saying

Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don’t want to press your luck.

– Daryl Stout

Irish Recipes

Irish Jokes

Life Quotes

Regarding Life..

Jack Palance:  “Do you know what the secret of life is?  One thing.  Just one thing.  You stick to that and everything else don’t mean shit.”
Billy Crystal:   “Yeah, but what’s that one thing?”
Jack Palance:  “That’s what you’ve got to figure out.”

– From the movie City Slickers

Quotes About Life

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns

Famous Quotes

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

– Fred Allen

Famous Quotes

“You have to pinch yourself – a Marxist radical who all his life has been mentored by, sat at the feet of, worshiped with, befriended, endorsed the philosophy of, funded and been in turn funded, politically promoted and supported by a nexus comprising black power anti-white racists, Jew-haters, revolutionary Marxists, unrepentant former terrorists and Chicago mobsters, is on the verge of becoming President of the United States. And apparently it’s considered impolite to say so.”

– Melanie Philips,  The Spectator (UK) 10/14/08

More Famous Quotes