Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

Funny Jokes

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Funny Stories

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns

Famous Quotes

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

– Fred Allen

Politics – Political Quotes

Politics is the art of obtaining money from the rich and votes from the poor on the pretext of protecting each from the other.
– Oscar Ameringer

The Hair Cut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist is pleased and leaves the
shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

T he next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Vote carefully this year.

Famous Quotes

“You have to pinch yourself – a Marxist radical who all his life has been mentored by, sat at the feet of, worshiped with, befriended, endorsed the philosophy of, funded and been in turn funded, politically promoted and supported by a nexus comprising black power anti-white racists, Jew-haters, revolutionary Marxists, unrepentant former terrorists and Chicago mobsters, is on the verge of becoming President of the United States. And apparently it’s considered impolite to say so.”

– Melanie Philips,  The Spectator (UK) 10/14/08

More Famous Quotes

Easter Jokes – Easter Quotes

Easter Jokes – Easter Quotes
Easter General ~ Rabbit E. Lee

Easter Comic ~ Bunny Hill

Easter Crooner ~ Tony Bonnet

If you like these, you might want to subscribe here: Famous Quotes

and you might also like

Funny Jokes . Sayings . Easter Recipes . Diabetic Recipes

Okay, so they are not really Quotes – but they hit my inbox today for some reason so there they are. I guess I will have to go find some Easter Quotes from the Archives.

Here you go:

If Easter says anything to us today, it says this: You can put truth in a grave, but it won’t stay there. You can nail it to a cross, wrap it in winding sheets and shut it up in a tomb, but it will rise!
– Clarence W. Hall

Easter Passion
“you gave your all,…your love,heart,body and soul,….you took our fall,….as foretold and still remained straight and tall,…. to later inspire one and all.

your head was bloodied by thorns and bowed,not in disgrace,…..
but in heavenly grace,……for the whole entire human race.

your arms were outstretched,hands and feet both bloodied and pierced,….but not your holy spirit,to the very end remaining steadfast and fierce,…..for the world has never known a love so vast.

because of god’s gift of free will and redemption,…..we all have been bequated his love,blessings and redemption.”
copyright 2004 joseph p.martino
brooklyn,n.y.
international noted quote/poem author.

And if you want more Easter Jokes – here are some more:

Easter Jokes