Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

Funny Jokes

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Funny Stories

Mother’s Day Quotes

Every time I find a girl who can cook like my mother–she looks like my father.
– Tony Randall

The child had his mother’s eyes, his mother’s nose, and his mother’s mouth. Which leaves his mother with a pretty blank expression.
– Robert Benchley

Mother’s Day Quotes

Mothers mold the children’s minds. Some of you have done well. There are a lot of moldy-minded kids around.
– Norm Crosby

Mother Quotes

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
– Erma Bombeck

Mother’s Day Jokes

You Know You Have Become a Mother When…

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth even though your children are at school!

You start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Mother’s Day Quotes

Source: Mother’s Day Quotes

My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her.
– George Washington, U.S. President

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.
– Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.
– Aristotle

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.
– Rajneesh

Woman in the home has not yet lost her dignity, in spite of Mother’s Day, with its offensive implication that our love needs an annual nudging, like our enthusiasm for the battle of Bunker Hill.
– John Erskine

The sweetest sounds to mortals given
Are heard in Mother, Home, and Heaven.
– William Goldsmith Brown

More Mother’s Day Quotes

Sacrifices for a Happy Marriage

Marriage Quotes

My wife and I know we have to make a few sacrifices for our marriage to work, but the animal shelter people are beginning to get a little suspicious.

– Jerry Embry